This Is Me...
by wispykitty
Summary: The sequel to "I'm Done"; one year later, and Li finally breaks down and deals with the feelings that Meilin's departure has brought.


You know, I wasn't planning on doing this sequel, but those of you who replied to "I'm Done" just influenced me with your lovely reviews to write one! So obviously, if you haven't read "I'm Done" then I suggest you go and read it now. Bring some Kleenex too. ;) This is also a song fic, and for this one I'm using "My December" by Linkin Park. I really had to wrack my brain for a song to use for this, and funny story, I had never heard this song before but just finished downloading it tonight on Morpheus (I really love LP though *drools at thoughts of Chester* anyhow) and was looking through my songs to see if I had one for this fic, and I put this on and just skipped ahead to see what it sounded like, and I heard "And I take back all the things I said to make you feel like that" and bang! It was decided. ^^ Anyhow, hope you enjoy this one, from Li's perspective! Make sure you have more Kleenex. ;) Review, and thank you all for being so kind with the other story! I wrote this part for you guys anyhow! ;)  
  
~*~  
  
"Li?" It's been a year since it happened, a year since her voice brought back what I'd seen before I closed my eyes. A year later, and I'm still an asshole.  
  
~And I give it all away  
  
Just to have somewhere to go to  
  
Give it all away  
  
To have someone to come home to~  
  
It's not that I haven't grieved. It's not that I don't feel bad about what happened. But I had to go on with my life; I couldn't just stop time and cry about it. I had to move on, that's just the way life goes. I have Sakura, and she did help me through it all. I love her, and I couldn't let anything get in between that. I couldn't chance losing her, I need her here. We live together now, and she does everything for me. I'd be lost without her.  
  
~This is my December  
  
These are my snow covered dreams  
  
This is me pretending  
  
This is all I need~  
  
Really, I've moved on. I'm okay now. I've always been okay. I never fell apart. I was strong through it all. Honestly. I have everything I want now. My life is all set up. I'm okay, honestly. I have everything I want. But do I have everything I need?  
  
~And I  
  
Just wish that I didn't feel like there was something I missed~  
  
Okay, so I miss you. I carry around your letter with me everywhere I go. The paper is so creased and crumpled; it's nearly falling apart. But I'd never leave it anywhere. It's a part of me now. It's the part of me that's missing.  
  
~And I  
  
Take back all the things I said to make you feel like that~  
  
Every time I read it, I feel like more of a jerk. So things weren't as bad as you made them seem in your letter, but then again, I never saw myself through your eyes, so I guess I can't say that. Did I really make your life that hard? Was I really that mean to you? I always cared about you, I never wanted to seem like I was hurting you. I never meant to make you feel bad. But I guess I ended up doing that.  
  
I'm sorry.  
  
Even that makes me seem like such an asshole. All I can do for you is mutter two stupid words, and it's supposed to make things better. I could cry a thousand tears right here, right now, and it wouldn't change a single thing. How could two words make any difference?  
  
~And I  
  
Just wish that I didn't feel like there was something I missed~  
  
I wish you were here. I miss you. I admit it. I'm lost without you. I need you back, but there's no getting you back. I hate you too, you know. I might have been the one to cause you to be so upset to think about it, but I wasn't the one with the razor in my hand. I wasn't the one who filled that bathtub. And I wasn't the one who cut your wrists. Why did you do that to me? Why did you leave me like that? If you'd only talked to me, done something. I wouldn't have listened to you though. As much as I'd like to think I would, I know I wouldn't have. I hate myself for that. I am an asshole. Even if you could come back, I wouldn't deserve you.  
  
~And I  
  
Take back all the things I said to make you feel like that~  
  
Why did you stay with me? Why didn't you ever leave? You could have done it, couldn't you? I always thought you were so strong, nothing ever fazed you. But maybe I was just blind. I never saw you every time you cried, I never saw you every time I asked you to do something for me that I was too selfish to do, I never saw you every time I hurt you. I always thought I did love you, and that I showed you I loved you. But I guess I never did. I never showed you how much you meant to me. And now I can't. Now you're gone. You finally left me, and I'm falling apart. Does it make you happy? Are you laughing at me now, wherever you are? Are you looking down on me and smiling, knowing that you finally won? I try to make it seem like I'm okay, like I don't care. But every day that passes, you take that away from me. Is this what you wanted? If so, then you win.  
  
~This is my December  
  
This is my time of the year  
  
This is my December  
  
This is all so clear  
  
This is my December  
  
This is my snow covered home  
  
This is my December  
  
This is me alone~  
  
I hate admitting it to you, but if I could go back, and change how things happened, if I'd had to choose, I would have chosen you. I need you more than anyone. We're strange like that, you and I. We always had that bond, our link. It was always there, ever since we were children. It was safety to me. It was consistency, security, and necessity. Without you, no matter how many people are here, I'm alone. One of these days, I will be all alone. No one will be with me; I'll only have your memory. I could never have the courage to do what you did. To make a statement like you did. I seem like I'm so strong but really I'm so weak. I hate myself, and I hate you. I just hate everyone. I don't want anyone around me, because whoever it is, they aren't you. And you're who I need right now. I hate saying it, but I need you. I hope it makes you happy when I admit it, because I hate admitting it. I need you.  
  
I have your flowers. You would have loved them. And really, what good do they do now? They won't bring you back, but I brought them anyway. Flowers and apologies. What more do you want from me? You know I don't cry, I never cry. Right, I never cry, as tears just magically appear on the petals of these flowers. But they can't be mine, because I don't cry. Why should I cry? My best friend is only dead. No reason to cry. No reason to break down and fall apart, no reason at all. Who am I kidding?  
  
I'm leaning against your gravestone now. Your flowers are too. I don't want to leave them though, they remind me of you. I think I'll take one with me when I go back home. Home, it's not the same without you. It feels so empty. Even with Sakura there, I feel alone. I can't tell her that though, because then she'll only get worried, and she'll be unhappy, and you told me I better make her happy. You deserve that much.  
  
It's raining. It always rains at graveyards though, doesn't it? I feel like a walking cliché right now. Damn it I miss you. I don't want to leave, I want to stay here and be with you again. I feel so close to you right now, I feel like you're here. I can almost feel your hand squeezing mine. Maybe you are, maybe I'm not dreaming. Are you squeezing my hand? I hope you are. I hope that's your way of letting me know that you accept my apology to you. That you like your flowers.  
  
"Li?" I need to go now, I can't stay any longer. But I take one of the flowers with me, so I can take part of you with me. I'm standing here looking down at your grave, and it's so bare. Old flowers from your parents the groundskeeper has since taken away, but now mine are there. But it's missing something. I dig out my wallet; it's time for me to let go. There, next to your flowers, it's a picture of us. When we were little. When I was never afraid to hug you, and never afraid to tell you I loved you.  
  
"Goodbye Meilin." I clutch the flower in one hand, as I turn and walk away. I'm okay. Really I am. It's raining. Wait, those drops on my flower, they're not rain after all. I guess I do cry. And it's not so bad. 


End file.
